Monday, August 24, 2015

Hide and Go Shriek (1988)

Eight kids have graduated high school and now they are partying inside a furniture store (what?). While the employees are closing the store for the day, one of them mentions that the windows have shatterproof glass and there is an ex-convict living in the basement. Of course he has easily identifiable snake tattoos so to compare to the unseen assailant's hands later chain-locking a door.

Meanwhile, the group of geniuses--whose language is limited to phrases like "you're stupid, jerk face"--agree to play hide and seek (duh). The couples pair off, find a hiding spot (bed) and dilly dally for 30 minutes or so. Finally they are terrorized by store mannequins while a weirdo frolics around wearing clothing of the people he offed.

Unlike most every other “slasher,” half the kids in the extremely murky picture quality of Shriek survive. This includes a prankster wearing sunglasses in the dark for most of the movie. While attention is put towards the ex-con, it turns out someone else is in the multi-level building. The explanation as to why is nonsense to say the least. [rating: $1] -Kenyon

similar: Dorm that Dripped Blood, Intruder, Funhouse, Hell Night

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Pot in Horror: Cabin in the Woods (2012)

it's also a telescope, they didn't show it.
and that is a Volvo station wagon from like 1986.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Pot in Horror: Friday the 13th (1980)

This is the first in a series, which will then all be compiled and possibly result in a so-called top 10.

Jack (Kevin Bacon) in Friday the 13th. This quick kill is one of the most memorable scenes from all of 1980. The last couple seconds were cut from the original release.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Hard Candy (2005)

Hard Candy 2005

No hard candy. No one said "hard candy" either. An extremely androgynous teenage girl overworks her introspective speeches and knows more than she should, including how to perform a castration. And a successful one at that. Okay, we can't be sure exactly how well the job was completed because it's never on screen. Her motivations are a little confusing, which painfully wrecks the film. Somehow Sandra Oh was thrown into the mix. [rating: $4] -Kenyon

Monday, May 25, 2015

Hatchet II (2010)

Hatchet II (2010)

A survivor of the first Hatchet has the urge to immediately return to the New Orleans swamp-forest--where maniac semi-spirit Victor Crowley dwells--to retrieve remains of her relatives that were slayed by Crowley. Meanwhile a shady business man (you know him as Candyman) and his crew join the search with ulterior motives.

This is a rare time when the quotes on the cover are on point. Hatchet II takes gore to an outrageous level. The victims are decapitated, impaled or literally torn apart in all kinds of interesting ways. A sensitive backstory about Crowley connects to the first film, which was an overly aware horror-comedy. Amazingly, the follow-up liberates itself from the nonsense of Hatchet and establishes a meaningful presence within modern day slasher horror. [rating: $9] -Kenyon

Friday, May 15, 2015

Diary of the Dead (2007)

It's truly pathetic that George Romero, responsible for some of the best zombie films in history, is behind the horrific failure that is Diary of the Dead.  This modern day garbage attempts to be a "food footage" zombie film for no reason other than to try and make a cliche point about documenting the apocalypse. The whole thing completely lacks the personality of any decent zombie film. By the way, this got 62% positive on rotten tomatoes. That's 79 fresh and 49 rotten. Something is wrong here. Similar to Grave Encounters, V/H/S and V/H/S 2.[rating: $1] -Kenyon