Splatter University (1984)

Though it can be considered a slasher, Splatter U doesn't follow most "rules" of a slasher. For that it is admirable. Unfortunately its innocence is the movie's downfall, as it swivels between genuine horror and a spoof. The identity crisis is further shown by the misleading VHS cover, as there are certainly no cheerleaders.

Perhaps the most ironic broken rule is that several meat-head male characters are never threatened. Oh and they are assholes, (poorly) acting rude, obnoxious, selfish and sexist. The worst is that these people are at a UNIVERSITY yet they don't carry any books, they skip class, cheat on papers and tests and drink a lot of beer. Sometimes it's amusing but there's too much. The movie is 80 minutes, for christ's sake!

As far as the "splatter" goes, it's tame. A knife goes in and watery blood spills. No intestines or anything. In fact the only thing that doesn't have a low standard is the lead female. Lucky for Splatter, it was released early enough in the 80s to at least be considered classic camp. [rating: $5]

VHS is the SHT: Body Shop

from my own collection, now on eBay.
VERY RARE Body Shop VHS BIG BOX from Paragon, dated 1986

Box is intact and uncut, edges have some wear. There are some creases on the left side of box and on bottom. Only a couple of very small tears at top and bottom box flaps. There is a bar code sticker on side of box. Running time 75 minutes. Most of this movie--derived from Frankenstein--is pretty mundane, though the primitive gore effects are unforgettable.

VHS is the SHT: Wizard Video Best of Sex & Violence Big Box RARE

From my personal collection, now on eBay. The Best of Sex and Violence, a SUPER RARE big box from Wizard Video, dated 1985. Not only is the box fully intact and the video was NEVER VIEWED, it is (mostly) SEALED. The video content itself is all trailers, with John Carradine cracking jokes in between.

The Innkeepers (2011)

It's especially dumbfounding that director Ti West allows such pronounced homage to retro horror, yet ultimately drops the ball on two would-be modern horror classics that hover just below the mainstream. Like Wests' the House of the Devil (2008), suspense goes hand in hand with an overdose of false scares. This includes when the two lead characters--who are attempting to prove the hotel they work at is haunted--watch a trick ghost video on the interweb. Preposterous! Not to mention the video was predictable.

There isn't much story here, and it's not even worth trying to understand any of the characters' nonsensical behavior. Not to mention the entire film could be cut down to 25 minutes. There is a ten minute scene with Lena Dunham, of all people, that is absolutely unneccesary. Following that, the female lead--who of course has asthma--spends much of the time wandering around the hotel looking for spiritual contact. The slow pace is balanced by, well, pretty much the unrelenting suspense that never rewards (the piano is heard playing by itself, oooooo! it's the ghost!). At least the Innkeepers (as well as House) has the balls to end a horror film with doom and gloom. The potential and growth for West is evident. Part of the problem is that too many critics are solely content with exaggerated atmosphere and cheap scares. [rating: $3] -Kenyon

Evil Dead (2013)

Less a remake and more a re-imagined update, this Evil Dead has a refreshingly serious tone that was lacking in last year's anticipated Cabin in the Woods. It's even more serious than the initial Dead film. The latest is dark and dismal. In fact, the character who is most sensitive to the evil lurking in the woods is dealing with hardcore drug withdrawal. Things just got real. Add to that genuine scares, gobs of gore and mutilation and we got a genuine horror movie with a little heart and soul, minus a few small cliches. [rating: $8] -Kenyon

Squirm (1976)

Worrrrrrrmmss! And they chomp on human flesh! An electrical live wire in a rural area of Georgia is making contact with the wet soil and therefore the worms, which creates super charged worms. Just barely tolerable, though for mid 70s nature horror schlock it's relatively okay. [rating: $4] -Kenyon

The Mutilator (1985)

This stereotypical low-end slasher--depicted inaccurately on the cover art--is worth a look for its pitiful acting and script as well as for its entertaining butcherings. A deranged man with no personality uses various weapons to slice and dice the friends of his estranged son. Oh but he has good reason to do so! 10 years prior his son was cleaning his dad's gun and accidentally shot his mother!

Now, beyond the commonly discussed awful performances, corny "fall break" song and great death scenes (not gonna spoil it though it's worth the wait!) there is a strange awkward scene. A leading character complains to a cashier that a senior discount is age discrimination while the cashier himself is a black man who was born before Rosa Parks refused to give up a seat on the bus to a white person. Wow. [rating: $6] -Kenyon

Hostel Part II (2007)

While "studying" in eastern Europe, three weak-minded girls become victims of a merciless underground network that kidnaps stupid Americans and auctions them off to wealthy sadists who apply various gruesome methods of torture. Unlike the first film--which packed a brutal, terrifying punch--Hostel Part II adds an additional dimension. Instead of relying mainly on the path of the victims, the winning bidders--two American men--are examined as well. These two characters are much more interesting than the three oblivious victims. Oh, you will find out why! Ghastly, bloody and fun. [rating: $7] -Kenyon