Monday, January 26, 2015

Automaton Transfusion (2006)

Holy crap look at that image on the DVD cover, looks pretty intense right? Well sadly this mess has zero substance, ripping off every other film about a quickly spreading infection. The most cliche "witty" comments are done better in any other "zombie" movie. Why oh why. Okay i'll tell you why. An infected guy randomly jabs his hand into a girl's abdomen, pulls out a fetus and the girl exclaims, "my baby!" Otherwise an amateur bore. [rating: $1] -Kenyon

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Jennifer's Body (2009)

Yikes. After setting fire to a local dive bar, a rock band named Low Shoulder attempts to sacrifice Jennifer for its own selfish needs. Because she was not a virgin, Jennifer is now a succubus. You can't make this stuff up, oh wait, someone did. It would make more sense if the title character was originally innocent and shy, but Jennifer was a shallow bimbo to begin with. As a succubus the only difference is she's gruesomely tearing apart a victim's torso. Oh the humanity. [rating: $2]

Monday, January 5, 2015

The Room (2003)

Heralded as one of the worst ever made, the Room shows the best example of naive cinema. The script, acting, story and everything else is a disconnected disaster. But let's focus on the football. Yes, football. When the characters are not engaged in absurd conversation (see video clip) and superficial relationship issues, they toss a football to one another. They are always up for this. Whether it's in a small corner of the limited sets at an apartment building, on the small roof of the apartment building, or out back in tuxedos. The Room, which supposedly was originally meant to be a drama and later referred to as a "black comedy," is a must see for extremely awkward filmmaking. [rating: $5] -Kenyon

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Lunch Meat (1987)

Known in the VHS underworld for its rare big box, the cheap Lunch Meat stumbles with shoddy amateur camera work and off screen violence. The first half is actually (relatively) watchable as we anticipate any gore or screwed-up acts to come, while getting to know the goof ball characters. Unfortunately Lunch Meat flat lines. The second half is nothing but all-male hillbilly cannibals--who are more like the four stooges--chasing young adults in the forest. Oh the humanity. [rating: $3] -Kenyon

Sorta similiar: Just Before Dawn, Don't Go in the Woods, Hills Have Eyes (1977), Splatter Farm

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Pit (1981)

A disturbed boy lures victims to a sinkhole containing humanoid wolf (or ape?)-like creatures referred to as "tra la logs." Before you can make sense of it, an elderly blind woman is hurriedly pushed in a wheelchair, flailing her arms before she is dumped into the tra la's dwelling. The Pit is actually a unique horror-comedy, intentionally (you can tell by the music). That's great and all but this is one of the few films of the era that needs to be drastically improved with a sequel. Instead of a sloppy mess where local police officers make goofy appearances, the premise of the creatures being fed bodies by an insane kid who obeys his teddy bear is begging to be re-worked into something dark, scary and memorable. Recommended if you like Troll 2 for its non-acting or Burial Ground for its strangeness. [rating: $6] -Kenyon

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Jack Frost (1997)

[Not to be confused with the comedy starring Michael Keaton from 1998]. In this tongue in cheek horror-joke a convict escapes, gets drenched in an experimental chemical, dissolves into the snow, and becomes A SNOWMAN! He's going to find out that being a snowman isn't easy. Just so happens there's a snowman making competition in town. What could go wrong? Silly D-grade nonsense, and "Jack Frost" is barely animated. His hands are like big oven mittens, though this does not hurt his driving skills in the least. Terrible one-liners and puns every few minutes. File next to Gingerdead Man. [rating: $2] -Kenyon

Monday, October 14, 2013

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

A disappointing follow-up to the grisly entertainment of Wrong Turn 2, this cheap piece of junk is one of the worst in the backwoods mutant category. It may have helped just a little bit if there were more mutants than just "three-finger" and his offspring "three-toe," who is decapitated too soon. Flawed beyond belief, WT3 does whatever it can to fail. The logic of characters and the sad CGI make this an embarrassment. Especially when the CGI is used to split a guy into thirds. Sharknado could fly circles around this garbage. [rating: $1] -Kenyon