Monday, May 25, 2015

Hatchet II

A survivor of the first Hatchet has the urge to immediately return to the New Orleans swamp-forest--where maniac semi-spirit Victor Crowley dwells--to retrieve remains of her relatives that were slayed by Crowley. Meanwhile a shady business man (you know him as Candyman) and his crew join the search with alterior motives in mind.

Hatchet II raises the bar for gore to an outrageous level. The victims are decapitated, impaled or literally torn apart in all kinds of interesting ways. A sensitive backstory about Crowley connects to the first film, which was an overly aware horror-comedy. The follow-up is able to break free from the majority of silliness of Hatchet and establish a serious presence within modern day slasher horror. [rating: $8] -Kenyon

Friday, May 15, 2015

Diary of the Dead (2007)

It's truly pathetic that George Romero, responsible for some of the best zombie films in history, is behind the horrific failure that is Diary of the Dead.  This modern day garbage attempts to be a "food footage" zombie film for no reason other than to try and make a cliche point about documenting the apocalypse. The whole thing completely lacks the personality of any decent zombie film. By the way, this got 62% positive on rotten tomatoes. That's 79 fresh and 49 rotten. Something is wrong here. Similar to Grave Encounters, V/H/S and V/H/S 2.[rating: $1] -Kenyon

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Cube Zero (2009)

First cube is gold, second cube (a "hyper" cube) is garbage. Third cube falls in between. But more towards garbage. In the first Cube there was no outside view of the cube, we only knew the people stuck in the multiple chambers of the cube, half of which are set with deathtraps of all kinds. Cube Zero--which is loaded with new traps that cause side-splitting gore--adds the perspective of "employees" who are monitoring the victims, which means that more is learned about the purpose of the intriguing cube and who is responsible. And it all could have been profound if not for the miscast lead character, whose acting and dialogue undermines such a heavy topic. A unique idea for a film, sadly, isn't given justice. [rating: $4] -Kenyon

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Hostel III (2011)

There were some great ideas in Hostel III. If only they were executed more professionally. And if only this whole thing wasn't so dopey. It was foretold on the dvd cover. People are going to be tortured by wannabe doctors in Las Vegas. Hey it's not all bad. There are some twists and a few actually work. Perhaps the biggest twist is actually the most obvious, and its seed is planted the minute the main characters establish their relationships in the most boring way possible. Even though the victims are impossibly clueless and the artistic gore doesn't match anywhere near its predecessors, Hostel III is still a fun time. [rating: $5] -Kenyon

sounds better dubbed in German

Saturday, February 7, 2015

The Collector (2009)

The torture is grisly and the story provides reasonable suspense, but the Collector is so short on the motives of, well, the collector. A man who is desperate to save his wife and daughter burglarizes a secluded home, only to find a sadistic masked madman already there. This "collector" somehow in a matter of hours set up dozens of precise trip wires and traps. Meanwhile he is already in the process of multi-tasking the torture of his victims, one of which will be kept in a box because it's for the "collection" or something. Slightly confusing and not very believable. [rating: $4] -Kenyon

similar: Saw, Hostel, the Strangers

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Hachet (2006)

Somewhat self-aware though terribly goofy, Hatchet is set in the swamps near New Orleans, where a "ragtag" tourist group falls victim to Victor Crowley, a disfigured maniac that is easy to pity. Lots of cliche horror movie jokes and pedestrian script. However the tearing apart of limbs is to die for in this splatter fest. Pretty much every chance he gets, Crowley rips off arms and legs or decapitates bodies. The first half of Hatchet is inconsequential, unless you need to see the cameos. But when that first tourist is butchered, look out. [rating: $5] -Kenyon

similar: Wrong Turn 2, Night of the Demon

Monday, January 26, 2015

Automaton Transfusion (2006)

Holy crap look at that image on the DVD cover, looks pretty intense right? Well sadly this mess has zero substance, ripping off every other film about a quickly spreading infection. The most cliche "witty" comments are done better in any other "zombie" movie. Why oh why. Okay i'll tell you why. An infected guy randomly jabs his hand into a girl's abdomen, pulls out a fetus and the girl exclaims, "my baby!" Otherwise an amateur bore. [rating: $1] -Kenyon

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Jennifer's Body (2009)

Yikes. After setting fire to a local dive bar, a rock band named Low Shoulder attempts to sacrifice Jennifer for its own selfish needs. Because she was not a virgin, Jennifer is now a succubus. You can't make this stuff up, oh wait, someone did. It would make more sense if the title character was originally innocent and shy, but Jennifer was a shallow bimbo to begin with. As a succubus the only difference is she's gruesomely tearing apart a victim's torso. Oh the humanity. [rating: $2]