Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Lunch Meat (1987)

Known in the VHS underworld for its rare big box, the cheap Lunch Meat stumbles with shoddy amateur camera work and off screen violence. The first half is actually (relatively) watchable as we anticipate any gore or screwed-up acts to come, while getting to know the goof ball characters. Unfortunately Lunch Meat flat lines. The second half is nothing but all-male hillbilly cannibals--who are more like the four stooges--chasing young adults in the forest. Oh the humanity. [rating: $3] -Kenyon

Sorta similiar: Just Before Dawn, Don't Go in the Woods, Hills Have Eyes (1977), Splatter Farm

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Pit (1981)

A disturbed boy lures victims to a sinkhole containing humanoid wolf (or ape?)-like creatures referred to as "tra la logs." Before you can make sense of it, an elderly blind woman is hurriedly pushed in a wheelchair, flailing her arms before she is dumped into the tra la's dwelling. The Pit is actually a unique horror-comedy, intentionally (you can tell by the music). That's great and all but this is one of the few films of the era that needs to be drastically improved with a sequel. Instead of a sloppy mess where local police officers make goofy appearances, the premise of the creatures being fed bodies by an insane kid who obeys his teddy bear is begging to be re-worked into something dark, scary and memorable. Recommended if you like Troll 2 for its non-acting or Burial Ground for its strangeness. [rating: $6] -Kenyon

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Jack Frost (1997)

[Not to be confused with the comedy starring Michael Keaton from 1998]. In this tongue in cheek horror-joke a convict escapes, gets drenched in an experimental chemical, dissolves into the snow, and becomes A SNOWMAN! He's going to find out that being a snowman isn't easy. Just so happens there's a snowman making competition in town. What could go wrong? Silly D-grade nonsense, and "Jack Frost" is barely animated. His hands are like big oven mittens, though this does not hurt his driving skills in the least. Terrible one-liners and puns every few minutes. File next to Gingerdead Man. [rating: $2] -Kenyon

Monday, October 14, 2013

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

A disappointing follow-up to the grisly entertainment of Wrong Turn 2, this cheap piece of junk is one of the worst in the backwoods mutant category. It may have helped just a little bit if there were more mutants than just "three-finger" and his offspring "three-toe," who is decapitated too soon. Flawed beyond belief, WT3 does whatever it can to fail. The logic of characters and the sad CGI make this an embarrassment. Especially when the CGI is used to split a guy into thirds. Sharknado could fly circles around this garbage. [rating: $1] -Kenyon

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Burial Ground aka Nights of Terror aka a bunch more (1981, Italy)

While not one of the best-made Italian zombie efforts, Burial Ground is unique within the sub-genre. Lumbering yet somewhat intelligent undead terrorize a small group of brainless visitors to a rural mansion. After a formulaic first half, business picks up with numerous unforgettable scenes and one-liners. An overwhelmingly awkward little man portraying a boy can be credited for the increasingly twisted chaos. Goofy, gory and outrageous. [rating: $7] -Kenyon

Sunday, September 22, 2013

I Spit on Your Grave (1978)

Unlike Last House on the Left, Cannibal Holocaust and several other early infamous shock films of its kind, I Spit has the smart sense to leave out the hokey, contradictory music and allow a challenging film to resonate effectively. This means that the precise revenge murders, each unique and somewhat elaborate, are much more powerful. Aside from the bloody mayhem, there is a great, simplified suspense scene where an uncivilized redneck is deciding whether or not to pick up a bag of groceries he's asked to deliver to a woman he helped gang rape and leave for dead. But the victim is a strong woman and no one is going to stop her from writing her book as well as patiently slaying the depraved goons. We have a winner. [rating: $9] -Kenyon

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Quick Cut: Savage Abduction (1973)

aka Cycle Psycho, this is a crime sexploitation flick in which a nut job collecting mannequins blackmails a lawyer to hire a biker gang to kidnap him an actual woman. The cycle gang will be paid $10K, to which one of them says "we could live forever on that!" 1970s trash with unrealistic deaths. [rating: $2] -Kenyon