Woodchipper Massacre (1989)

Amateur, camcorder-shot sorta horror-comedy concerning three kids that accidently kill their aunt and dispose of her in the woodchipper. There’s a video on youtube that condenses the whole movie into a few minutes, which is really all that’s necessary. The “acting” is beyond-the-door bad. [rating: $0] –Kenyon

Prometheus (2012)

“Oh look at you, c’mere, i’m not gonna hurt you, oh wow you’re beautiful, c’mere baby…AHHHHH it’s gonna break my arm…ahhh now it’s broken!” This is roughly what a scientist, who was allowed to be amongst a crew searching for the origin of humans, says to an alien mutant species that resembles a huge worm. IDIOT! See, people like to touch things. Makes it seem more real or something. Did it seem real enough when you got YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU BY A WORM?! Good thing that worm and the rest of Prometheus is visually spectacular. [rating: $8] –Kenyon

The Dead Next Door (1989) Or, Dead on arrival. Dreadful acting and blood and guts star in this low budget zombie joke. Intentional and unintentional humor and overdubbing of the lead character by Bruce Campbell don’t help this gory bore, which tries to pay homage to its superior predessesors but winds up being a small fraction as good. [rating: $2]Kenyon

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007) While the original Wrong Turn was a routine backwoods slasher, Dead End–featuring outspoken rock icon Henry Rollins–is actual a step up. And by a step up, i mean buckets of guts. And by guts i mainly mean intestines. Although it’s not for the squemish, Dead End IS a lot of fun, especially since several of the characters butchered by inbred cannibals are a$$holes. Turn 2 also improves the story by showing more about the inbred’s “personal” life and how they got that way. It’s actually rather sad, allowing sympathy for the freaks rather than for the stereotypical victims who are parodied by a survival reality show. Surprisingly, this is a satisfying sequel. It’s no Evil Dead 2 by any means, though it’s a few notches above The Hills Have Eyes 2 remake. [rating: $7] –Kenyon