Hatchet (2006)

hatchet-poster
Somewhat self-aware though terribly goofy, Hatchet is set in the swamps near New Orleans, where a “ragtag” tourist group falls victim to Victor Crowley, a disfigured maniac that is easy to pity. Lots of cliche horror movie jokes and pedestrian script. However the tearing apart of limbs is to die for in this splatter fest. Pretty much every chance he gets, Crowley rips off arms and legs or decapitates bodies. The first half of Hatchet is inconsequential, unless you need to see the cameos. But when that first tourist is butchered, look out. [rating: $5] –Kenyon


similar: Wrong Turn 2, Night of the Demon

Automaton Transfusion (2006)

Holy crap look at that image on the DVD cover, looks pretty intense right? Well sadly this mess has zero substance, ripping off every other film about a quickly spreading infection. The most cliche “witty” comments are done better in any other “zombie” movie. Why oh why. Okay i’ll tell you why. An infected guy randomly jabs his hand into a girl’s abdomen, pulls out a fetus and the girl exclaims, “my baby!” Otherwise an amateur bore. [rating: $1] –Kenyon

Open Water 2: Adrift (2006) The original Open Water had no cause for a sequel, even one that gets no theatrical release. Of course, Adrift isn’t a sequel at all, but it’s more closely related to its predecessor than Halloween 3 is to Halloween 2. Obviously there was something to cash in on, given the moderate sucess of Open Water, which was a minimal story of a couple stranded in the sea after they were dumb enough to get left behind by a tourist boat. That couple is actually now looking like mathematicians compared to the six morons in this “based on true events” drama in the ocean, where the interest depends on how resourceful they can be to survive. There are damn good reasons to call them morons. And i’m not talking about any horror movie cliche like, “you stay here, i’ll check out that strange sound alone.” This is more like, “we are going on a yacht in the open sea, i have an issue with drowning, and i’m bringing our infant.” i can’t say i felt sorry for the mother when the “captain” of the yacht jumps in the ocean with her while forgetting to lower the ladder. Now, they and four friends are up shit’s creek bigtime. At first they worry about sharks and someone thinks they felt something tugging on them. Strangely enough, trouble with marine life never progresses. At the climax–while the baby is still “onboard”–the jerk that didn’t lower a ladder attempts something physically impossible: swimming down into the dark water looking for a knife they lost in the water. At nite, during a storm. There’s one more absolutely retarded action at the very end, taken on by the mother of the baby. Let’s just say that being adrift too long causes delirium. [rating: $2] –Kenyon

The Host (2006)

The Host (2006, South Korea) When approaching the Host, it’s important to recognize what this film is really about. It’s not about a mammoth mutant amphibious creature wreaking havoc. Little attention is paid to its biology and motivations. It’s primarily about a ragtag family determined to rescue their child from the clutches of the sea monster, which in a nod to classic sci-fi monsters, is the result of toxic chemicals carelessly dumped. This is secondary to the Host (in fact, the Korean version of the movie poster shows the family, unlike the U.S version with the creature’s tentacle). With focus on the family’s need to recover the girl, the Host has much heart. But it also has the strength to combine sci-fi horror, comedy and adventure. Oh, this family is ragTAG! There are also some social political themes that you can look up on your own.

Now, a heck of a lot of toxic waste was put into the water. If that much formaldehyde entered the river, there must be other animals that were effected, not just the one. Where are they?! Must have died. Anyways, to sum it up, the Host is like a warm-hearted Cloverfield in daylight. Yea that’s right, DAYLIGHT. The effects for the monster are so sharp that it can be clearly shown without hiding it in the dark. Nice work! [rating: $9]. –Kenyon

See No Evil (2006)

See No Evil (2006) Typical slash trash, but note that it “stars” Kane from WWE. In the weeks prior to its release, the WWE was promoting this and had Kane tie it in to the drama on the show. Everytime someone spoke the date of its release–Rey Mysterio got tricked into doing this–Kane would come out and go berzerk and beat down on whoever said it. The thing that stood out and sucked like a sore thumb was that the biggest jerk of the group of kids/victims was one of the survivors. Kane should have choke-slammed the shit of him. [rating: $2] –Kenyon