Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009) Review

wrong turn 3

A disappointing follow-up to the grisly entertainment of Wrong Turn 2, this cheap piece of junk is one of the worst in the backwoods mutant category. It may have helped just a little bit if there were more mutants than just “three-finger” and his offspring “three-toe,” who is decapitated too soon. Flawed beyond belief, Wrong Turn 3¬†does whatever it can to fail. The logic of characters and the sad CGI make this an embarrassment. Especially when the CGI is used to split a guy into thirds. Sharknado could fly circles around this garbage. [rating: $1] – Kenyon

Prometheus (2012)

“Oh look at you, c’mere, i’m not gonna hurt you, oh wow you’re beautiful, c’mere baby…AHHHHH it’s gonna break my arm…ahhh now it’s broken!” This is roughly what a scientist, who was allowed to be amongst a crew searching for the origin of humans, says to an alien mutant species that resembles a huge worm. IDIOT! See, people like to touch things. Makes it seem more real or something. Did it seem real enough when you got YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU BY A WORM?! Good thing that worm and the rest of Prometheus is visually spectacular. [rating: $8] –Kenyon

Splice (2007) This doctor couple spawn a creature in their lab. It impregnates the woman and then it f*cks the man and kills him. That’s what you get you dumb asses. Stupid f*ckers. [rating: $3] –Kenyon

The Boogens (1981) Mostly mundane in its first hour, the Boogens suffers from several pot holes. Oh my bad, i mean PLOT holes. The “monsters” keep a low profile during that hour, only showing their tentacle grabbing people. When the mutants are finally shown full body (i think), it’s still a mystery as to the what, why, where and how. The “how” being this: how could they have survived in a mine tunnel cave for 80 years. And how about this for a why: Why do they kill one guy in the garage and then bring him down to the cave where he is found floating in the water, while they kill some girl and leave her in the basement. Just left there. Didn’t even bother to eat her. The two lead girls look straight out of most any other early campy 80s horror film, and in fact one of them was in the original Prom Night. At least the Boogens didn’t get REMADE yet! [rating: $4] –Kenyon

The Brain (1988)

What a way to go. Being eaten by an enormous alien mutant monster brain. That’s some suggestive effing vore there. Hey, the brain was doing fine controlling minds until some meddling kids got in the way. Now it has to take breaks from its mind control room to eat them. Eating them will cause the brain to expand, and we’ll assume, become even more powerful. Now listen brain, don’t get a big head. The doctor assisting you just got decapitated! In other words, this is classic. [rating: $7] –Kenyon