Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009) Review

wrong turn 3

A disappointing follow-up to the grisly entertainment of Wrong Turn 2, this cheap piece of junk is one of the worst in the backwoods mutant category. It may have helped just a little bit if there were more mutants than just “three-finger” and his offspring “three-toe,” who is decapitated too soon. Flawed beyond belief, Wrong Turn 3¬†does whatever it can to fail. The logic of characters and the sad CGI make this an embarrassment. Especially when the CGI is used to split a guy into thirds. Sharknado could fly circles around this garbage. [rating: $1] – Kenyon

V/H/S (2012)

A muddled mess is this “collection” of found footage within found footage. Although, sometimes it’s impossible to know if some scenes are supposed to be found footage from the camera or just the character’s viewpoint to see what they see (the lines are crossed when a stooge wears glasses with a built in video cam). Either way, the idea of characters finding VHS tapes with bizarre recordings is there, but it’s way too poorly executed to have any soul or substance. Basically V/H/S is groups of people being moronic and/or immature and then getting sliced up for no reason other than shock value. The forced interference effects of the shaky cams hinder any chance of this possessing authenticity. More like S/H/T or M/E/S/S. [rating: $1] – Kenyon

Lake Mungo (2008, Australia) More like Lake DUMBO. This melodramatic “mockumentary” about the haunting of a drowned girl serves to pleasure itself by showing a ghost in camera footage that is later discovered to be faked. Eff us, right? The second half is more confusing than the first, adding blurry camera phone clips and more dull as hell commentary from people who knew the girl. Serious material like this needs to be handled better. [rating: $1] –Kenyon

The Cavern (2005)

The Cavern (2005) Ruined by unlikeable characters and a ludicrous ending, the Cavern sets a new low for horror set in the underground. A group of adventurers, whose passion for cave exploration is hardly believable, find a cave that has never been explored. It happens to be a year after their friend DIED in a cave during one of their outings. But that doesn’t stop them from going into a big hole in the middle of nowhere! A creature–which we don’t see much of till the end–has apparently been dwelling in the cave, surviving for years without eating people, until now (just like the Boogens!). When its identity is revealed, the Cavern only digs itself into a deeper hole (ha!). Let’s just say that there’s no way the creature would have the strength to push large boulders like it does. [rating: $1] –Kenyon

Body Shop (1973)

Body Shop (aka Doctor Gore) Even though it’s only 75 minutes, the truly terrible Body Shop could easily be edited down to 15. Every scene and every motion drags at a lumbering pace, which doesn’t help when half the plot is unclear. This seems to be the case though–a woman dies and her lover, a mad scientist, reforms her from body parts of other women. That’s where the body shopping and chopping comes in, and admittedly for the early 70s, this is gory stuff. However, even that slicing off of legs, etc, moves super slowly. These operations are assisted by a mute hunchback weirdo whose job is to dispose the unused body parts in acid. After the girl is assembled, she and her creator spend at least 15 minutes in the film getting “acquainted”. Plans for the doctor, however, go sour and before you know it the doctor is in a jail cell while his girl is out roaming the world meeting new people. Something like that. [rating: $1] –Kenyon