Hatchet II (2010)

Hatchet II

A survivor of the first Hatchet has the urge to immediately return to the New Orleans swamp-forest–where maniac semi-spirit Victor Crowley dwells–to retrieve remains of her relatives that were slayed by Crowley. Meanwhile a shady business man (you know him as Candyman) and his crew join the search with ulterior motives in Hatchet II.

This is a rare time when the quotes on the cover are on point. Hatchet II takes gore to an outrageous level. The victims are decapitated, impaled or literally torn apart in all kinds of interesting ways. A sensitive backstory about Crowley connects to the first film, which was an overly aware horror-comedy. Amazingly, the follow-up liberates itself from the nonsense of Hatchet and establishes a meaningful presence within modern day slasher horror. [rating: $9] –Kenyon

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009) Review

wrong turn 3

A disappointing follow-up to the grisly entertainment of Wrong Turn 2, this cheap piece of junk is one of the worst in the backwoods mutant category. It may have helped just a little bit if there were more mutants than just “three-finger” and his offspring “three-toe,” who is decapitated too soon. Flawed beyond belief, Wrong Turn 3 does whatever it can to fail. The logic of characters and the sad CGI make this an embarrassment. Especially when the CGI is used to split a guy into thirds. Sharknado could fly circles around this garbage. [rating: $1] – Kenyon

Splatter University (1984)

Though it can be considered a slasher, Splatter U doesn’t follow most “rules” of a slasher. For that it is admirable. Unfortunately its innocence is the movie’s downfall, as it swivels between genuine horror and a spoof. The identity crisis is further shown by the misleading VHS cover, as there are certainly no cheerleaders.

Perhaps the most ironic broken rule is that several meat-head male characters are never threatened. Oh and they are assholes, (poorly) acting rude, obnoxious, selfish and sexist. The worst is that these people are at a UNIVERSITY yet they don’t carry any books, they skip class, cheat on papers and tests and drink a lot of beer. Sometimes it’s amusing but there’s too much. The movie is 80 minutes, for christ’s sake!

As far as the “splatter” goes, it’s tame. A knife goes in and watery blood spills. No intestines or anything. In fact the only thing that doesn’t have a low standard is the lead female. Lucky for Splatter, it was released early enough in the 80s to at least be considered classic camp. [rating: $5]

The Mutilator (1985)

This stereotypical low-end slasher–depicted inaccurately on the cover art–is worth a look for its pitiful acting and script as well as for its entertaining butcherings. A deranged man with no personality uses various weapons to slice and dice the friends of his estranged son. Oh but he has good reason to do so! 10 years prior his son was cleaning his dad’s gun and accidentally shot his mother!

Now, beyond the commonly discussed awful performances, corny “fall break” song and great death scenes (not gonna spoil it though it’s worth the wait!) there is a strange awkward scene. A leading character complains to a cashier that a senior discount is age discrimination while the cashier himself is a black man who was born before Rosa Parks refused to give up a seat on the bus to a white person. Wow. [rating: $6] –Kenyon

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007) While the original Wrong Turn was a routine backwoods slasher, Dead End–featuring outspoken rock icon Henry Rollins–is actual a step up. And by a step up, i mean buckets of guts. And by guts i mainly mean intestines. Although it’s not for the squemish, Dead End IS a lot of fun, especially since several of the characters butchered by inbred cannibals are a$$holes. Turn 2 also improves the story by showing more about the inbred’s “personal” life and how they got that way. It’s actually rather sad, allowing sympathy for the freaks rather than for the stereotypical victims who are parodied by a survival reality show. Surprisingly, this is a satisfying sequel. It’s no Evil Dead 2 by any means, though it’s a few notches above The Hills Have Eyes 2 remake. [rating: $7] –Kenyon

Humongous (1982) Primitive maniac kills a bunch of people who are stranded on a backwoods island. Comparisions to Friday the 13th part 2 surface, but even in part 2 we saw Jason’s face at the end. Humongous never bothers and even if it did (other then when he was already burnt to a crisp), the gloomy picture quality wouldn’t allow for much. [rating: $3] –Kenyon

See No Evil (2006)

See No Evil (2006) Typical slash trash, but note that it “stars” Kane from WWE. In the weeks prior to its release, the WWE was promoting this and had Kane tie it in to the drama on the show. Everytime someone spoke the date of its release–Rey Mysterio got tricked into doing this–Kane would come out and go berzerk and beat down on whoever said it. The thing that stood out and sucked like a sore thumb was that the biggest jerk of the group of kids/victims was one of the survivors. Kane should have choke-slammed the shit of him. [rating: $2] –Kenyon

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008)

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008) At this camp, nearly everyone is mean, insensitive and/or dumb. And i mean BRAINDEAD. For example, a character sees a sharp wooden spear poke through the floor. So what does he do? He keeps looking through the hole until the spear comes back! Let’s just say he won’t be using that eye to look at his porn anymore.

But this is Return to Sleepaway Camp, where character logic is void and everyone hates each other. Really, sitting through all the foul-mouthed yelling and name-calling gets tiring. This especially rings true with mentally damaged Alan, who gets doused with eggs, shot with paintballs and hit with a croquet mallet. Still, he continues to wear the same disgusting shirt throughout the movie. Although Alan is just as much to blame for being an antagonistic asshole, this kid is obviously mentally imbalanced. Yet no one ever attempts to help him psychologically! It’s also puzzling that no one ever questions how odd it is that the “sheriff” always wears sunglasses at night and has a beard yet is petite. Anyone who is familiar with the previous Sleepaways will know what’s up.

Something (likely unintentionally) funny is that whenever there’s a scene with a bunch of kids, they are always conveniently lined up and/or bunched up. This is so you can see them all at once? Sometimes it’s like Southpark, when Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are at the bus stop all facing forward. Actually, speaking of Southpark, Isaac Hayes is in this meatball mess and plays, naturally, the chef at the camp. His role however is wasted, as he disappears early.

Aside from all the obvious problems, Return To seems to play like a self-aware send-up of the original Sleepaway Camp and other movies of the early 80s slasher heydays. Without a doubt, the best segments are when the “unknown” killer goes through the trouble of setting up clever ways to kill. This includes the spear through a hole and putting hungry rats into a birdcage that is locked onto a guy’s head. [rating: $3]

April Fool’s Day (1986)

April Fool’s Day (1986) One of several slasher films from the early 80s that uses a day of the year as a gimmick, April Fool’s Day features an all-star cast of actors who have been seen elsewhere in movies that were more memorable. This includes Thomas Wilson (Biff from Back to the Future), Deborah Foreman (Valley Girl) and Amy Steele (essentially reprising her role as a heroine from Friday the 13th Part 2). Unfortunately, their combined forces aren’t able to help this tongue in cheek horror flick stand out from its peers, even with it’s April Fool’s “twist.” A group of college kids are invited to a secluded home of a mutual friend, who has set up all sorts of tricks, like dribble glasses and chairs with faulty legs. Before you can say “formulaic” the kids start disappearing and heads and body parts are found. It wouldn’t be half-bad if the movie continued on a safe, well-traveled path. Instead, its effort to manipulate the viewer (and two lead characters) disregards important scenes in the movie’s plot development, as if the movie itself doesn’t know which way to go. Once the surprise ending sucks the life out of the party, April Fool’s has more in common with the mystery comedy Clue than an average and more honest vintage slasher. [rating: $3] –Kenyon