The Crazies (2010)

After an infected corpse just happens to parachute into a marsh and small town’s water source, the U.S military seizes the population of Ogden, Iowa. Unfortunately for them, the quarantine system fails and everything goes straight to hell.

Impossible timing in the Crazies is a rule. For example, the deputy shoots through a second story window to stop an “infected” from killing his friend without a second more to loose. There is a little melodrama, and a little is too much for this remake of the 1973 film from George Romero. This version should have spent more time on the aspects of the virus itself and less on whether or not the lead female is pregnant. So therefore i cannot comprehend why this got so many positive reviews. On the bright side, the Crazies is convincingly gruesome, like when the hero gets a knife through his hand and while still stuck in hand puts it into an infected’s neck. You know it! [rating:$6]

Chernobyl Diaries (2012)

If there’s anything redeeming about the otherwise ordinary Chernobyl Diaries, it’s that it proves a film about tragic urban exploring doesn’t need to be “found footage” to work. It doesn’t work well, though Chernobyl does provide sporadic suspense and claustrophobia that is pulled off slightly better than found sootage [sic] disasters such as the Tunnel and Grave Encounters. Like those films, the characters knowingly place themselves in a hazardous situation. In Chernobyl, the danger is mostly wild dogs and radiation. Hell, one or the other would have been enough, right? The curious ill-fated group is later confronted by mutant humanoids–likely a result of radiation–who come out of nowhere. And there may have been ghosts in there too. This wasn’t clear with all the other distractions in this inept attempt at R rated horror. [rating: $3] –Kenyon

Open Water 2: Adrift (2006) The original Open Water had no cause for a sequel, even one that gets no theatrical release. Of course, Adrift isn’t a sequel at all, but it’s more closely related to its predecessor than Halloween 3 is to Halloween 2. Obviously there was something to cash in on, given the moderate sucess of Open Water, which was a minimal story of a couple stranded in the sea after they were dumb enough to get left behind by a tourist boat. That couple is actually now looking like mathematicians compared to the six morons in this “based on true events” drama in the ocean, where the interest depends on how resourceful they can be to survive. There are damn good reasons to call them morons. And i’m not talking about any horror movie cliche like, “you stay here, i’ll check out that strange sound alone.” This is more like, “we are going on a yacht in the open sea, i have an issue with drowning, and i’m bringing our infant.” i can’t say i felt sorry for the mother when the “captain” of the yacht jumps in the ocean with her while forgetting to lower the ladder. Now, they and four friends are up shit’s creek bigtime. At first they worry about sharks and someone thinks they felt something tugging on them. Strangely enough, trouble with marine life never progresses. At the climax–while the baby is still “onboard”–the jerk that didn’t lower a ladder attempts something physically impossible: swimming down into the dark water looking for a knife they lost in the water. At nite, during a storm. There’s one more absolutely retarded action at the very end, taken on by the mother of the baby. Let’s just say that being adrift too long causes delirium. [rating: $2] –Kenyon