Hide and Go Shriek Review (1988)

 

Eight kids have graduated high school and now they are partying inside a furniture store (what?). While the employees are closing the store for the day, one of them mentions that the windows have shatterproof glass and there is an ex-convict living in the basement. Of course he has easily identifiable snake tattoos so to compare to the unseen assailant’s hands later chain-locking a door. Meanwhile, the group of geniuses–whose language is limited to phrases like “you’re stupid, jerk face”–agree to play hide and seek (duh). The couples pair off, find a hiding spot (bed) and dilly dally for 30 minutes or so. Finally they are terrorized by store mannequins while a weirdo frolics around wearing clothing of the people he offed. Unlike most every other “slasher,” half the kids in the extremely murky picture quality of Shriek survive. This includes a prankster wearing sunglasses in the dark for most of the movie. While attention is put towards the ex-con, it turns out someone else is in the multi-level building. The explanation as to why is nonsense to say the least. [rating: $1] –Kenyon

similar: Dorm that Dripped Blood, Intruder, Funhouse, Hell Night

Diary of the Dead (2007)

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It’s sad that George Romero, responsible for some of the best zombie films in history, is behind the horrific failure that is Diary of the Dead.  This modern day garbage attempts to be a “food footage” zombie film for no reason other than to try and make a cliche point about documenting the apocalypse. The whole thing completely lacks the personality of any decent zombie film. By the way, this got 62% positive on rotten tomatoes. That’s 79 fresh and 49 rotten. Something is wrong here. This is total crap. Similar to the garbage of Grave Encounters, V/H/S and V/H/S 2.[rating: $1] –Kenyon

The Room (2003)

Heralded as one of the worst ever made, the Room shows the best example of naive cinema. The script, acting, story and everything else is a disconnected disaster. But let’s focus on the football. Yes, football. When the characters are not engaged in absurd conversation and superficial relationship issues, they toss a football to one another. They are always up for this. Whether it’s in a small corner of the limited sets at an apartment building, on the small roof of the apartment building, or out back in tuxedos. The Room, which supposedly was originally meant to be a drama and later referred to as a “black comedy,” is a must see for extremely awkward filmmaking. [rating: $5] -Kenyon

The Dead Next Door (1989) Or, Dead on arrival. Dreadful acting and blood and guts star in this low budget zombie joke. Intentional and unintentional humor and overdubbing of the lead character by Bruce Campbell don’t help this gory bore, which tries to pay homage to its superior predessesors but winds up being a small fraction as good. [rating: $2]Kenyon

Welcome to the Jungle (2007)

Welcome to the Jungle (2007)  Hostel, Wolf creek, and Turistas were adept at spending the first half of the story getting to know groups of adventurers, before they suddenly meet their doom. A straight to DVD “Dimension Extreme,” the “unrated” Jungle makes the same attempt, all the while pretending to be filmed by a first-person shakey cam. Four unfortunate travelers seek fame and fortune by searching the jungle for a Michael Rockefeller, who is rumored to still be living amongst the native cannibals. Obviously a terrible idea, but the four young adults–one whose acting is deplorable–proceed anyway. Already short at 82 minutes, roughly half of that is unnecessary mundane clips of them chilling out and talking to each other or to the camera. [rating: $2] – Kenyon